well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
