I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
