I wish my penis had an off switch
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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