The maid of honor just puked.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
