dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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