I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
