Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
