I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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