Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Randomize
