the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
