This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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