Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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