i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
