listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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