she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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