My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
