i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Just pee around me
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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