So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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