reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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