I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
My friends, they love my intelligence
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
