today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
