went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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