I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
