Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
