Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Vodka?
Forever.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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