Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
