I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
