You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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