my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
