I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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