I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
im on a boat
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