Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
