I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
