my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
my liver is dry heaving
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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