its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
There's even glitter on my cock...
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