someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
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