i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
