I am midnight drunk by noon
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
