my phone needs a breathalizer
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
