My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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