Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
