I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
