He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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