so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
