I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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