I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Vodka?
Forever.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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