I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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