I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
