you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Drake has all the answers
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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