i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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