his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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