I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
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