i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
